HTF-Random Tales

(NOTE: Just so you know, this is just a collection of random, inappropriate stories I put together in about an hour. ENJOY.)

Princess Flaky eyed the guillotine. Its blade sparkled, and it reflected her friend, entering the room with silver chains around his ankles. He stared at her, his facial expression saying "Why did you betray me, Flaky? I thought you were my friend..." Her heart ached with sorrow for the prisoner, moments away from being executed. The guards thrust his head on the wooden headrest , placing the neatly woven basket on the opposite side. Flaky sucked in her breath. "Any last words?" asked one of the guards. Flippy gave the maiden a glare as cold as ice, then sputtered out, "No." "Alright, then, ac-" "W-wait!" She pushed through the crowds, her long lime-green dress fluttering as she ran. Shifty arose from his thrown. "Who dares to interrupt- Flaky?" He exchanged puzzled glances with Queen Giggles. "Flippy did not commit any crime!" Princess Flaky cried. "D-don't kill him! Take me instead!" A voice echoed, "OH YEAAAH!", soaring from the audience. The citizens backed up to form a pathway. Disco Bear began strutting down the isle, then he moon-walked over to where the confused young girl was positioned. "I'll take you home, babe. Keep you nice and hot." He lightly blew on her neck, making the pink of Flaky's face clearly visible. "W-what???" "Hey, you're the one who said 'Take me instead', and indeed I will have s-" "Get outta here, Disco Bear. Nobody likes you." a random guard called out. "Same to you, pal. And at least my funky momma sends postcards to me from Europe!" "Um... that is a very l-large place... where in Europe does she live?" "I dunno, there is never a return address on the cards she sends me, but she says that she's in Europe, and that's what I'm gonna believe. Momma also said that she wanted my panties..." That sure shut the heck out of everyone. "I'M BACK, YOUNG ONE." The villagers twisted their heads to witness a furry brown bear with beady black eyes race down the crimson carpet to ultra-glomp Disco Bear. DB shoved Pedo-Bear off. "What the heck? Have you lost all yo disco balls?" "BALLS? HOORAY!" PB threw his arms up in the air, but he eventually put them back down to slap DB's butt. He flinched. "Child molester!" the "groovy king" shouted. "Aw, why does everyone have to use such hurtful terms? Just cause I have sex with little kids, it doesn't mean that I don't have feelings!" PB sobbed. "Who's the freakin idiot who let rapists into our castle?!" Queen Giggles howled. The rest of the guards looked at Lumpy, sweating like crazy under his heavy armor. Giggles, not impressed, announced, "Guards, let the peasant go. I think it's time we chop another head off..." Lumpy gulped. Flippy, after being let go, scurried off, yelling "I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
~
The sugar-crazed squirrel headed into his girlfriends' hose, noticing immediately that the living room was pitch-black. "Hoo-hoo, Hershey? You home sweetie?" he called, flickering on the lights. Nutty gaped in shock of what he witnessed. It was Hershey, wrapper-off, laying on top of a Kit-Kat bar. "What the... Hershey?! You're having sex with another man?!" he barked. No answer. "Well, let me just tell you, doing that on a living room couch is just... UNSANITARY!" Quiet again. "Hmph! I never wanted to have sex with candy, anyways." Nutty lied. He knew for a fact that he wanted it all his life. Suddenly, Evil Flippy popped out from behind a brown leather chair with a flamethrower in his grasp and awkwardly shouted "IMMA FIRIN' MAH LASER!" And then they all died.
~
The sweet baby bear looked up at his father with a saddened expression. "Papa," Cub whimpered, "Whatever happened to Momma?" Pop sighed, then folded up his newspaper. "Do you want to hear the truth?" Cub nodded his little head in response. "Well, okay... It started off when your mother and I got high at a bar, then your mother roamed off into the street without my awareness, so I thought that Splendid was your mom, and then we made out, and then he raped me, and when we were finally out of it, Splendid had a baby, and then your mom found out about it, and then she got all emo and moved to Las Vegas right after she gave birth to you, and then she shot herself in the head with a handgun. The end." Cub stared blankly at his father. But when he started to open his mouth, he was interrupted by Toothy wailing, "SPLENDID CHEATED ON ME?!"
~
Giggles and Cuddles were happily skipping, paw-in-paw, through the park one morning. Disco Bear happened to be jamming to 70's music on his iPod, until he laid eyes on Giggles, jumped off the park bench and called, "See you on Saturday, my love." Cuddles' eyes widened. "What?!" "Oh, y-you know. It's only Disco Bear talking nonsense." she stuttered. Passing by more trees, Lumpy followed after Giggles, saying "Hurr, be at my place at 7:00." Cuddles jerked his head around and gave the stupid moose a 'death glare'. Lumpy, suddenly skittish from the look, trudged away from the couple. The rabbit frowned. "So, you have plans at 7:00, now d-" "No! I d-don't." Giggles fibbed to her own boyfriend. "Fine." Cuddles muttered under his breath. Only about 1 minute later, the peach-colored chipmunk rammed into The Mole. She took his paw and pulled his up off the ground. "Sorry." Giggles apologized, blushing. "Oh, it's you, Miss Giggles. Hope you didn't forget about our date this Sunday." The Mole replied. Cuddles gawked at his crush. "Date?!" he exclaimed. He lead Giggles out of The Mole's earshot, then he whispered fiercely "Exactly how many guys are you dating??? 6?" "No... 7." Cuddles gasped, "Seven men?" Giggles nodded. "What can I say... I'm a dude magnet." On the other end of the park, Handy and Petunia were having an important conversation. The orange beaver looked straight at her. "I've got something important to say." "What is it?" asked Petunia, her eyes glimmering. "I just want to say that.... first of all, the fly to your jeans is down, and second, I'm in love with Russel, SUCKA!" And then the pirate and the handyman lived happily ever after. The end.